[VoIP] Fun with Pat and Jane

[Steph Kerman]

Gotta get Bob Newhardt to do it...  He's *the* master of dead-pan 
telephone humor.

Steph

windmill wrote:
> Jayson,
>
> Now that really is funny and had me in stitches, you ought to get it 
> recorded and put it on an extension on your *box!
>
> Brian
>
>
> Jayson Smith wrote:
>   
>> Hi,
>>
>>      Here's a funny piece from several years back, from a humor site. 
>> Thought it was appropriate now.
>> Jayson
>>
>> 10 Cents a Minute
>> AT&T
>>
>> [Editor's note:  This was written by Robert Byron.  It can also be found
>> on his site,
>> which he sent to me, although when I tried this link it didn't 
>> work...anyway, it's reprinted with his permission, so if you forward it 
>> please leave this
>> attribution intact.]
>>
>> One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to 
>> sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a
>> phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to 
>> be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went 
>> something
>> like this:  (swallowing)
>>
>> Me: Hello
>> AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
>> Me: Is this AT&T?
>> AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
>> Me: This is AT&T?
>> AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
>> Me: Is this AT&T?
>> AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
>> Me: May I ask who is calling?
>> AT&T: This is AT&T.
>> Me: OK, hold on.
>>
>> At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, 
>> surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my 
>> surprise,
>> when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
>>
>> Me: Hello?
>> AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
>> Me: May I ask who is calling please?
>> AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
>>  Me: Is this AT&T?
>> AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
>> Me: This is AT&T?
>> AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
>> Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
>> AT&T: Yes sir.
>> Me: The phone company?
>> AT&T: Yes sir.
>> Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
>> AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
>> Me: I already have a phone.
>> AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
>> Me: Well whatever it is,  I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
>>
>> ( When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express 
>> yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this 
>> lady
>> was persistent.)
>>
>> AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a 
>> day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
>>
>> Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but 
>> she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to 
>> whip
>> out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
>>
>> Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
>> AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's 
>> right! 24 hours a day!
>> Me: 7 days a week?
>> AT&T: That's right.
>> Me: 365 days a year?
>> AT&T: Yes sir.
>> Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
>> AT&T: We think so!
>> Me: That's quite a sum of money!
>> AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
>> Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at 
>> the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, 
>> can
>> I get a cash advance?
>> AT&T: Excuse me?
>> Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
>> AT&T: What are you talking about?
>> Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 
>> 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per
>> year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
>> AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a 
>> minute.
>> Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. 
>> Are you sure this is AT&T?
>> AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
>> Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 
>> cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute?  Is this some kind of 
>> subliminal
>> telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you 
>> know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
>> AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
>> Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
>> AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
>> Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
>> AT&T: What?
>> Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
>> AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
>>
>> So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat 
>> while I'm waiting for a supervisor.  After a wait of a few minutes and while 
>> I
>> have a mouth full of food:
>>
>> Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
>> Me: Yeth?
>> Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a 
>> minute program.
>> Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
>> Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
>>
>> I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to 
>> suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
>>
>> Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I 
>> could sign up for the plan.
>> Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was 
>> helping you.
>> Me: Thank you.
>>
>> I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end 
>> this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the
>> other end of the phone.
>>
>> AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up 
>> for our plan?
>> Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have 
>> enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little 
>> brother...
>> AT&T: (click)
>>     
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